So we decided to create a ritual.  I put together a playlist of songs that she and I both like and put them on our respective iPods.  When the airplane touched down, I texted her to start her playlist and I started mine.  That way we were both listening to the same songs and we were listening to the same song when we greet each other.

I love to listen to my iPod when I’m traveling because it acts like a soundtrack to life.  But somehow this was special.  It was a way to connect before we connected.  Not only was the greeting great, but our time together was as well.

Rituals can be a powerful tool when used in the right context.  Think about the rituals that you have in your organization.  Do you have Monday morning meetings to prepare for the week?  Annual strategy sessions?  Birthday celebrations?  What impact do they have?  Are there any times of the year that are particularly chaotic?  Think about what rituals you could establish that would help people pull together and function more solidly as a team?

The same thing goes for communication.  In fact, if you want people to really “get” what it is you’re communicating, you have to connect the dots.  People only understand ideas in relation to ideas they already have.  All memory and knowledge is built this way.  When we were young, we were shown a dog and told, “This is dog.”  Now the image and the word were linked.  Everything we learn going forward is acquired the same way, by connecting what we already know with something else.

So when we’re trying to get our message across, we need to evaluate what does my audience already know.  What are they familiar with?  What is it that I want them to know and how can I bridge the two.  We can do this factually step by step or we can use metaphor.  The metaphor, of course, should be one that your audience is familiar with and can relate to.  Most likely, your metaphor will act as the first dot.  Then even if your final dot doesn’t fully connect with your audience, they can fill in the space between because they understand the metaphor.

This is true whether you’re talking to one person or a hundred.  With one person, it is easier to see when they’re missing dots, they usually will scrunch their eye brows or get a glazed look.  Or maybe you haven’t seen that one before?  If you have, you know what I’m talking about.  On a larger scale with groups, you can check in with larger groups of behavior such as people moving or shifting in their chairs.  Also, the questions they ask will also give you feedback about how well they were able to connect the dots.

Pay attention to the feedback you get.  It is valuable in understand how well your message came across as well as understanding the mindset of those in the audience.  Whenever there is missed communication, simply go back and give them more dots.

I sometimes surprise members of my audience when I know they have a question before they’ve even raised their hand.  It’s amazing how much you can learn from your audience, if you’re paying attention and you know what to look for.

Here’s one of my favorite techniques to begin listening to the nonverbal communication your audience is sending.  The idea is to use your peripheral vision.  When you focus intently on something, like your notes, as many people do while giving a presentation, you are using your fovial vision, which allows you to focus on your notes, while missing everyone else.

When you begin to open up your vision, looking straight ahead but seeing more and more to the left and right of you, this is using your peripheral vision.  This is the way you want to look at your audience in order to best see their nonverbal communication.

Another bonus, going into peripheral vision has a calming affect on the body and I know a lot of you could use a boost of calmness when in front of a crowd.  Here’s an exercise you can do with a small group to begin building this skill.  Get a group of about 4-6 people together.  Arrange the group into a semi-circle and have one person stand at the head of the group.  This person will take a minute to expand their vision seeing more and more to the left and right while looking straight ahead.  Now have members of the group begin to move and shift.  The standing person is simply to point to anyone in the group every time they see them move.  You will be amazed at how much movement you will be able to detect.  This simple exercise will give you practice with this important skill so you can begin to put peripheral vision to work for you to help you detect nonverbal communication in your audience and to help calm your nerves the next time you’re up in front of a group.  And most importantly, you’ll be able to “hear” what your audience is saying to you, even as you speak.

But on this particular occasion, I had to call Delta customer service to get an itinerary issue resolved.  I called after hours and worked with a representative for about an hour.  At the end of that time, she informs me that she can’t solve the problem because it is after hours and that I need to call back during normal business hours.  This, of course, would have been helpful to know an hour previously.  I call the next day and the problem is resolved.  Semi-happy customer.

Later that week, to my surprise, I receive a letter from the representative I spoke with first apologizing that she wasn’t able to resolve the issue and that she added a few thousand Skymiles to my account for my trouble.  She certainly didn’t have to do that, but it was a nice touch.  Was it enough to overcome the fact that my next Delta flight was cancelled, probably not, but at least it is a check mark on the positive side.

While interactions with customers may not always be perfect, it is important to have strategies in place for damage control.  Considering the lifetime value of a customer, it is unbelievable to think that more companies don’t have customer recovery tactics in place.  In this case, Delta made a gesture of good faith with virtually zero cost.  What about your business?  What can you do that would be cost-effective if one of your customers has a less-than-desirable experience?

In the academic world, success can easily be evaluated based on grades.  I sometimes teach university classes and when I do I am always fascinated by how students evaluate their success and respond to feedback about their performance.

As you can imagine, when someone gets a 100% on an assignment, I don’t hear from them very much.  Of course, you would expect to see that the lower the grade the person got, the more likely they are to complain. But what is interesting to me is that I receive more “inquiries” about grades from students who make A’s (but don’t get 100%) than any other grade level.

You would think that if you got a “C” that you would be upset and try to fight for a “B”.  But what I think happens is that the students who get A’s want perfection.  They hunger for it.  They strive for it.  They demand it. The B and C students are perfectly content.  They know what they need to do to pass and they do it so they’re not surprised.  But the near-perfect students want perfection and so it burns them up.

Of course, when they ask for clarification it is under the guise of “doing better next time” but anyone can see it is because they want you to prove to them why they didn’t get 100%.  While such requests can be tiresome, I have to admire their commitment to their goal.  I would probably do the same in their shoes.

But remember what happens when they actually get 100%.  They get satisfied.  They feel a sense of accomplishment.  They’re happy.  Which is what we all think we want.  But, even though the 100% students receive feedback in their papers as well, they aren’t hungry to improve their performance and so they rest of what they did yesterday.  They don’t take action.  They don’t try anything new.  And they don’t learn.  That’s what sucks about success.  People become complacent.

It is critical in life and in business to never stop growing.  If you’re getting the results you want, make sure that you don’t stop learning, growing, and expanding.  Think back to a time when you didn’t have that success…remember the drive and passion you had to make it happen and bring it back.  That’s what it takes to get to the next level.

Think about it. Someone crosses their arms and leans back during your presentation.  Does this mean that they don’t like what you just said, don’t like you personally or that they’re just cold?  The truth is, you don’t know unless you ask the person.  Any assumptions you make are just a mind read and you may get it really wrong.  We all know the old adage about making assumptions.

Now, that doesn’t mean that there’s nothing you can learn from the non verbal communication of your audience.  Some common things you may notice them doing are, leaning back and crossing their arms, shifting position, putting down their pen or pencil and squinting.  Some of these will require more or less finely tuned observation skills.  But the idea is that if you notice one of these changes, they may in fact be communicating that they are not with you and they just haven’t raised their hand yet.  Some of your audience members may not have an abundance of confidence and may never raise their hands to ask you a question.  Noticing a change in their body language, gives you the opportunity to do a mind read, like “I don’t think they’re getting what I’m saying” and then quickly check in with the person to make sure they are with you.

Your audience member will often be amazed by your seemingly psychic ability to know that they have a question before they do.  It’s a great way to create and build credibility and connection with your audience.  So, be on the lookout for those nonverbals and remember, you don’t know what they mean until you ask.

I was recently speaking with a friend of mine who’s trying to start a family with the help of modern medicine.  Fortunately, they’re both in good health and have several options from which to choose.  They started pursuing their first option last month and blood work revealed that it wasn’t working so they stopped.  My friend was upset because he felt this was a major setback and there are only so many options left to try.  His wife had a different perspective.

And in talking with them, I realized that he viewed their failed attempt as reducing their options.  His wife viewed the situation as progress because they were that much closer to honing in on the one technique that would work.  It only takes one.

Think about the difference in those perspectives.  Feeling that you’re running out of options creates fear.  Feeling that you’re honing in on what will work creates hope, excitement, and anticipation.  One leads to action, the other…inaction.  So think about how you view options and what happens when one of them doesn’t work.  Do you get inspired and jump into the next solution or mourn the loss of yet another failed attempt.

As you know, by now, properly delivered feedback is a great way to help keep your workforce motivated.  In addition to what you say while giving feedback, how you choose to deliver feedback is also important.

First rule.  If it’s constructive feedback, where you want the individual to make a change, this should be delivered in private.  One-on-one is typically best, but if someone else needs to be there, keep it to the minimum number of people required.  Consider my friend’s situation.  There is just so much about this situation that could have been handled in a more effective way, but we’ll leave that discussion for another day.  The important thing here is that this should have been done in private.

If it is appropriate for your work environment and it makes sense for the specific employee, public positive feedback can create even more value.  If you are giving praise one-on-one, stop by the employee’s workspace or meet with them in your office, and offer positive feedback separately from other business activities.  Don’t use this meeting as a chance to discuss anything else, just make it about the employee’s good work.

As you give positive feedback, you can also link their good work to how it benefits the team and the company.  Let them know how much you personally appreciate their good work.  Being part of something bigger than themselves is a huge driver for many people, so be sure to let them know just how far their good work reaches.

Now it is not often that new ways to approach goal setting make their way onto the scene, but psychologist Ibrahim Senay has done just that.  In his research, Senay studied the impact of self-talk on goal attainment in a variety of contexts.  One of his goals was to compare the difference between the impact of “Will I?” vs. “I will.”  Interestingly enough, he found that the question, rather than the statement produced better results.

Now, the phrase, “I will.” has some power to it.  It is commanding and definitive.  The question of “Will I” sounds open and uncertain.  However, if you think about it, if something is as good as done, perhaps there are some things that are missing in that situation versus a situation in which it may or may not.

Exercise is one of the areas in which Senay examined the effectiveness of the statement versus the question and here too the question was more effective.  If I say, I will work out, it has a finality to it and could be even a little threatening.  Think back to being told that you will finish your homework before you go outside with your friends.  However, if I say, will I work out?  The question gets me thinking.  Will I or won’t I?  There’s certainly not threat.  And my brain begins to wonder and thinks about the different scenarios about what would have to happen in order to exercise.  Furthermore, if you think about it, who is the only person who can answer the question of whether or not I’m going to work out?  That’s right, me.  So the question puts me in control.

I know that many of us have set goals before, even said the words “I will.”  And if you did, great.  However, if for some reason the goal is not being achieved, here’s another approach.  Consider the power of the question.  Get your brain working, understand that you’re in complete control of your behaviors and make it happen or perhaps it would be better to just consider whether or not you’re going to make it happen.  Kinetic goals, that’s what it is all about.  Goals with movement.

Failure doesn’t have that problem.  Failure is typically a cause for new action.  We chalk that up to the “no” side and find something else that works.  And that is the real key to lasting success, is the ability to try new things and commit to making it happen, regardless of the setbacks.  And that’s what they are, setbacks, because they’re not denials, just delays.

Keep in mind, however, that not everyone approaches failure in the same way.  The important thing to remember is that the meaning of that failure is determined by you.  Did that experience provide you with the exact experience that you needed to find a way to succeed or was that the last straw for you.  The choice is yours…choose wisely.  My recommendation is to view failure as feedback.  Study it.  Learn from it.  Use it.